Triumph!

Yes, friends, I finally won, and revenge never tasted so good. I emerged victorious, and all it took was a burned finger, singed taste buds, lots of tears, several destroyed pots, and, worse, a damaged ego. Today, I made good rice!

I don’t know what possessed me, but I felt particularly brave this morning. As I sat down to do my reading for next week, I felt the urge to make beans and rice. I finally had some time to sit around while they cooked, so I quickly set out to work before I could remember my previous failures and the pain they caused. As my Michigan friends can attest, making rice and even beans has been a harrowing experience over the course of the past year. First, I bought a crock-pot last year, thinking that I could let things cook as I ventured to class or the library for hours at a time. I put some beans in there one weekend, and I ended up cooking the beans for forty-eight (yes, 4-8) hours. I wish I were exaggerating. At the end of two days, the beans were still not done, and I went hungry during this forced fast. I wish I could say that I emerged spiritually renewed after the fast, but I only had horrible thoughts about what I would do to the crock-pot. Needless to say, the crock-pot was relegated to the back of the cabinet with all my third-rate appliances.

Second, a couple of friends and I developed a lunch club on Sundays after church last year, and we took turns hosting it. On my Sunday, I made enchiladas, a salad, and rice, a pretty typical Sunday meal at home in Texas. The enchiladas were tasty; the rice was not. I somehow scorched the rice after receiving repeated warnings from my mom and sister to keep plenty of water in the pot. Defiantly, I decided to serve the rice, claiming that the rice was still edible and, underneath the scorched smell, actually flavorful. They did not agree, but I ate the rice over the course of the next week to prove them wrong. I showed them…and my grand nemesis, rice.

Finally, I had a friend come over for dinner one day, and I decided to make a similar meal, including rice. Never to be defeated by rice again, I vowed to keep plenty of water in the pot. I succeeded. I managed to undercook the rice but not scorch it. We sat down for dinner. Crunch, crunch, crunch. “I know I undercooked it this time, but trust me, it’s better than scorched rice and still has a great flavor.” She did not think so. I ate my crunchy rice for the rest of the week in my next act of defiance against rice.

See, this is why this day is so momentous. Rejoice with me. I promise not to get cocky, though, for rice is a formidable, scrappy foe and has tested people around the world for so many generations. I have won this battle, but I have a lifetime to win this war. Rice 2, me 1. Now, I guess I need some witnesses for my victory. Who wants to eat?

As the two-year anniversary of Ann Richards’ death approaches, I put my initial reaction of her death on my blog as a tribute to my beloved political figure. I e-mailed this out to friends that morning:

Hey y'all,

Alas, this is what heartbreak feels like! Sigh...

I cannot tell you just how disappointed I am in all of you that you have not sent me your condolences for the loss of my wonderful love. The great Ann Richards, 73, passed away last night to cancer, and I really am sad.

As my Republican friend witnessed on our walk to the gym this morning, I was in disbelief, shaking my fists up in the air and questioning, "Why, Ann, why you? You were still so young and full of life!" I reminisced about the Doritos commercial she made with Mario Cuomo and about the wonderful speeches she delivered at Democratic conventions. What sass, what wit, but alas... He had a smile on his face the whole time, but it is only probably because he, too, "smiles when he is sad." He saw the sincerity of the pain! As we made our way back to the dorm, we saw the headline, and I said, "Oh, she is so, so wrinkly, but what a personality on that girl! See, Nathan, that's true love, looking past all those superficialities!"

Goodbye, Ann! You will be missed. While we may not be able to be together in this life, with all the pointing and judging and calls of golddigga, perhaps I will see you on the other side.

Please do not grieve for me too much, friends! I will be fine after a couple of days!

Peace out,

Jonathan

P.S. I still hold out hope that she has gone to join Tupac on some island, only to resurface later. Most of you probably do not know because you don't "roll" like me, but yesterday was also the tenth anniversary of Tupac's death. Coincidence? I should think not!

P.P.S. I do not wish to completely make light of this matter. I really am quite sad because she was a great, great person!

Friends, take note! This is the kind of girl I would like to marry. No, not wrinkly, but smart and witty.